Does NO Mean NO?

**found at www.homefamily.net** 

DOES NO MEAN NO?

By Jodie Mirosovsky, Home Economist
TEAM Resources

When you say NO are you taken seriously? Perhaps the word is overused, to the point that it is ineffective . . . especially with children. I have made a conscious effort to stop using the word No with my son unless it is absolutely necessary. I made the decision with a little help from Barbara Coloroso 's book, Kids Are Worth It!

Along with topics such as keeping your cool, sibling rivalry, chores, money matters, mealtime, bedtime, toilet training, and sexuality, she also gives suggestions to help overcome the No dilemma.

Here is an excerpt:

Ever notice how often we say no to our kids?
"Mom, can I have a cookie?" - "No, it will spoil your supper."
"Dad, can I go over to Tracy's?" - "No."
"Mom, can I use the car?" - "No."
"Dad, can I stay out all night with my friends?" - "NO!!"

Kids learn not to take us seriously on the big no because we keep changing our minds on the little ones. The following are three alternatives you can start using right away so that when you really need to say no to your kids, they will believe you mean it.

First Alternative: "Yes, Later."

"Mom, can I have a cookie?" - "Yes, later."
Note I didn't say, "No, you can have one later." The five-year-old is all ready to fight a no, but how do you fight a Yes, later? "Oh, but, Mom, I'm so hungry." "Okay, have one cookie." It's already later, at least three seconds later. But the important thing is that you have not changed a no to a yes. It was a yes all along. And don't add. "Make sure you eat your supper." What are you going to do if she doesn't, get the cookie back? The threats we make!

Second Alternative: "Give Me a Minute"

"Dad, can I go over to Tracy's?" - "Give me a minute."
There is nothing wrong with asking for a minute to develop your own case. You might be thinking, gee, it might be nice to have some quiet for a little while. "Yes, you can go," or we have a lot to do before our company comes tonight. "No, you can't go"

At least when you say no, you'll know why you're saying it. How often many of us say no to our kids without the foggiest idea as to why we said it. No just sounded good. Then we have to try to defend it. If your child wants an answer right away, a variation of "give me a minute" might work more effectively: "If you want an answer right now, it's no; if you can wait a bit, maybe."

Third Alternative: "Convince Me"

"Mom, can I use the car?" - "Convince me."
I use this one the most with adolescents, but it can be used with any child who is verbal. Why should I spend all my energy at my age trying to convince my adolescent she can't have the car; let her spend all her youthful energy convincing me she should.

"Mom, all my friends . . . ." - "I'm not convinced."
"But you let Maria." - "I'm not convinced."
"Mom, If you don't let me use the car, you'll have to drive all of us to play practice." -
"I'm convinced."

What I have taken from the book is a mere 2 1/2 pages! There is so much more. I recommend it for anyone who is interested in the well being of children, parents, and guardians! Perhaps the most important concept in the book, is the premise that there is no such thing as a perfect person, We will all make mistakes, The important thing is that we learn from them and think about how our actions will affect others before we act.

Reference: Kids Are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso, published by Sommerville House Publishing, Toronto, Ontario, 1995. It is available at most bookstores at a retail price of $14.95.